The long last goodbye.

I like walking by myself but it can also be a dangerous business because sometimes it gives me too much time to think. Right now I have no choice. My bikes are at the shop, getting ready for shipping and my car is getting a final bit of work done before I sell it. This morning as I was walking to the bus I had far too much time to think about what it is going to be like to leave this place, how soon I will be making that walk for the last time, passing by my favourite places for one last time, stopping in my favourite bookshop for the last time and then who knows when I will back and how things will have changed, or how the reality will compare to my memories of the place.

For most of my life my Dad would tease me about how badly I cope with change, then somehow constant change became such an integral part of my life. Even if I learnt to deal with it, he is right, the thought of it does scare me, but I have also learnt that once the decision is made I adapt almost immediately. What I will never get used to however is the constant goodbyes. I’ve never been good at saying goodbye, but somehow in the last 10 years my life has been a constant series of goodbyes; either I leave or someone else does. Most of the time I see this for what it is and realise that even though I will never be in the same place as all the people I care so much about, I feel so much richer for having friends from so many different places. Other times it can bring me to the edge of despair and I would do anything not to have to say goodbye again. However I know that it is something I will always have to deal with because when I meet someone I can connect with, I can’t hold back and say that it is not worth getting close because we will only be in the same place for a short time, and I’ve never regretted it. So, once again, I was going to try and slip quietly away, sure in my mind that this place holds a special place in my heart in the same way that Linz and Austria do, and to try and avoid those painful, formal ‘goodbyes’ and ‘is this really the last time I will see you?’. Whilst I am sure that I will return again and again, I realised now that it is not just about me and what I want. Other people need to say goodbye, even if I don’t want to deal with this right now.

This time there will be a party. Sure, come and say goodbye, but me? I’ll be mostly celebrating how damn lucky I am to have met you and to have you in my life. It doesn’t make sense to me to say goodbye to the people who I would cross the whole world to see again, after all.