whenever i meet a new group of people in my life (such as working colleagues in a new department) – all my self-confidence seems to vaporize in a split second. you try to be nice, but not too nice, you try to come up with new ideas but not be a smart-ass, you try to be relaxed but not look lazy, you try to be hard-working but avoid being an over-achiever. those people working over at our newspaper are a nice bunch of people, i really mean it. some of my colleagues have turned into friends (as rudi and sigrun who invited astrid and me over yesterday) and yet i feel insecure.
there’s a second story behind this. bringing someone new into a team means to change things in an inevitable way. period. it will happen, no matter if it’s intentional or not. but changing things is only part of the big move, there will be friction at some point or another. and i hate it, because i hate conflicts and i hate to fight. i am way too soft for them even if i’d never admit it. i guess after school the primary intention in my life was to be liked, to feel that i belong. i guess my future leads right into my past when i vowed to never be an outsider again (children can be cruel!).
i will fail if i try to change things because others are telling me that things have to change. but i will try to be me, my sometimes over-confident, ill-tempered, secretly insecure me. change will come, there’s a million roads to walk down and hardly ever before has writing down my thoughts helped me so much at knowing what i really want.
i believe.