Weeks ticking away. After the scare, things have turned for the better. We took two weeks off, going to Sweden and Denmark. We took the very same route I did when I moved to Sweden in 2001 nearly nine years ago. I couldn’t stop smling all the way as it brought beautiful memories of a beautiful summer back to me. Then Copenhagen, where I spent my 15th birthday and on to Malmö, where mom took me for a hockey game nearly 15 years ago. I tought of my brother, Lukas, a lot this week. They way he pursues his dreams, I envy him. He’s right where here should, enjoying his life, seeing the world, going after a law degree. Yesterday Astrid asked me if I wanted to be 22 again. “Yes”, I quipped and she probably got it wrong. I love my life, I enjoy every bit of it and I can’t wait to hold our son in my hands. It’s just sometimes I wish I had been more consequent, harder on myself, pushing myself on getting college done in time instead of now trying to fit the odd course in my already crazy busy schedule. One wish granted, one change granted, this is what I would do: Get over with college. I would still get into journalism (at least for some years), as I still believe it’s one of those few places where you can still inflict change on people, companies, politics (yeah, right. . .). So yes, sometimes I wish I would be 22 again. Just to prove myself that I could do it. That some of the last years weren’t wasted. This may all be connected to my believe that life is one long process of learning and I sometimes feel I deprived myself of the chance to do it.
An allem was man sagt, an allem was man sagt, ist auch was dran!.
Egal wer kommt, egal wer geht, egal es kommt nicht darauf an.
Ich glaube nichts, ich glaub an dich, glaubst du an mich, ich glaub ich auch.
Ich frage mich, ich frage dich, doch frag ich nicht, fragst du dich auch.
Ich bin dabei, du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, bist du dabei, bin ich dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Leichter als leicht, geht es vielleicht, leichter als das, was vielleicht war!
Leichter als leicht, das ist nicht weit von hier zu dem, was noch nicht war.
Suchst du mich, dann such ich dich, ist die Versuchung groß genug!
Ich lass es zu, komm lass es zu, komm lass es uns noch einmal tun!
Ich geb’ nicht auf, gehst du mit mir, gehst du mit mir, mit auf uns zu!
Fällt dir nichts ein, komm leg nicht auf, komm reg dich auf und komm zur Ruh.
Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, bin ich dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ohhh
Yeeeh
Ich bin dabei!!
Du bist dabei!!
Wir sind dabei!!
Ohhh
Ich bin dabei!!
Bist du dabei?!
Sind wir dabei?!
Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
And you know you’re never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight
We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight
Thank you all for a great night. I feel incredibly happy deep inside.
The feeling is hard to describe. Astrid’s belly is growing right in front of my eyes and we are going through what I consider some of the happiest weeks I have had in my entire life. We created life and though I understand the technical aspects of a pregnancy (thank you, Wikipedia) the mere fact that we’ll be parents is still a miracle to me. While Mikko (yes, it’s a boy and yes he will get a Finnish name) is still 20 weeks away form us, things have changed, I have changed. Since I was 18 I was independent, free, floating. Now it’s up to Astrid and me to take care of this little being we so dearly wished for. While I not neccessarily believe in the teachings of the present-day catholic church, I believe in god. Love creates love I read somewhere. “It’s a beautiful thing we can tell him once, how much we wanted him”, Astrid said a couple of days ago when we talked about how life would feel as a little family. It might take us a while for him to be able to understand it – but we will make sure he will feel it right from the start: love created love.
I pray that one that day that will finally allow me to just do what I think I do best: telling stories.
There is fiction in the space between
The lines on your page of memories
Write it down but it doesn’t mean
You’re not just telling stories
There is fiction in the space between
You and me
On days like yesterday when I leave my desk with a cramping stomach and an ache to finally expose this pathetic posse I turn to Astrid, touch the little bump that’s beginning to show. Happiness will eventually drive the tears I never cried away.
A couple of years ago, I rode my car thorugh Austria, Germany, Denmark and finally Sweden to start the fall term at the University of Skövde. I don’t remember everything about the trip but one thing I do. It was a song in fact and while I probably didn’t understand its meaning back then, I do now. It was about welcoming someone with arms wide open, a song composed for a baby yet unborn. Now it’s my time, my turn, our turn. Astrid and I have created life. It’s a long shot from riding to Sweden, it’s a long shot from I who I used to be, to who I am – and an even longer shot to who I wish I could be. A baby is god’s opinion that the world should go on, they say and I hope that is true for that little being that moved right in fornt of my eyes on the ultrasound images. To be told that you will be father is one thing, to see your unborn child moving and hearing its heartbeat a whole different story. For the first time since I was told I felt that this one is for real. I don’t think that anyone could tell or teach you how to feel. My life is taking an unexpected but welcome turn, a turn that is life-changing (I have been told!). All I can think of right now, that this little being – Astrid’s and my child – will be welcomed to this world with all the love we have to give and arms wide open. If there is two things I want to pass on to it, it’d be the love and the opportunities I have given my those who love me.
The more you live, the more you understand that seeing places and holding on to them, their smells, sounds and emotions is the food that will nurture your mind when your body is unable to go there anymore. Finland is such a place for me and it continues to haunt me.
For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise
In January I built my own kingdom of days.
In February I learned it sometimes is a long walk to freedom.
In March I was in a New York state of mind.
In April prayers were answered and dreams fulfilled.
In May I watched the sun set on St. Pete Beach.
In June I was reminded of what drives me.
In July I took a pass on yelling uncle.
In August it was about passionate comebacks.
In September it was all hide and see.
In October there were needs and silence.
In November I remembered the things I miss.
In December I was given 14 pages full of love.
Some things in 2009 seemed to be bigger than life. Working in the US, growing up, South Africa. Love and friendship. My life – by far – ain’t perfect. And I would never want it to be perfect. Why? Because imperfection to me is real beauty. Today I will see the dying seconds of the old year surrounded by some of the people I love most. And yes, as Lou Gehrig would have put it: Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Whoever you are and wherever you may be, god bless.
my mom gave me a letter of 14 handwritten pages instead of a christmas present. her legacy. i am afraid of starting to read even if i know it will be most likely the greatest gift to ever receive.
I love how Americans use the expression “at the end of the day”. To me it sounds more optimistic than its german equivalent. I don’t know how this very day it will end, but I hope it will hold some of the love I felt when it begun. I sometimes may think to much about things that – and I am sure about it – with time passing will becoming meaningless. It’s this one single lesson I will and most likely have to learn: Come down, breathe.
Well now on a summer night in a dusky room
Come a little piece of the Lord’s undying light
Crying like he swallowed the fiery moon
In his mother’s arms it was all the beauty I could take
Like the missing words to some prayer that I could never make
In a world so hard and dirty so fouled and confused
Searching for a little bit of God’s mercy
I found living proof
A year can be such a short period of time if it only is in between meeting someone you know so well that time becomes an unimportant factor in the things you share. Christoph is such a case. We hardly meet these days but when we do it feels as if the time in between has been short and unimportant. The older I get the more I understand that in the end there will be a chosen few by my side. It’s a quite simple and still hard to comprehend formula of trust. Mutual trust. And then there is the bitter rest in your life – those that block your road driven by their fear of giving in, giving up or letting go. The latest being the worst thing. Letting go sometimes is even more important than holding on.
I awoke
Only to find my lungs empty
And through the night
So it seems I’m not breathing
And now my dreams are nothing like they were meant to be
And I’m breaking down, I think I’m breaking down
And I’m afraid
To sleep because of what haunts me
Such as living with the uncertainty
That I’ll never find the words to say
Which would completely explain
Just how I’m breaking down.
Off in the night while you live it up I’m off to sleep
Waging wars to shake the poet and the beat
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
I hope it’s gonna make you notice
Someone like me, someone like me
The first chords rung out when we got up, ready to leave. I took a fraction of a second and the memories came back. It’s weird and beautiful likewise how I connect music to certain situations in my life. Places I have seen, things I have done. I know leaving and coming back is a constant theme in my life, at times it seems my whole existence depends on it. It has filled me and my life with all these beautiful moments. Sometimes it only takes a little song and a smoky pub.
Hello my friend, we meet again
It’s been awhile, where should we begin?
Feels like forever.
the past days have been among the most peaceful in a long time. Yes, I am still far away from where I think I should be one day but I once again – after a long pause – took the time to stop along the way, look at myself and look at the people around me. I see love, beauty and happiness. With life spinning fast in times like these, the little breaks I should take even more often remind me of how lucky I am.
Cause I love anybody
Who’s fool enough to believe.
And your just one of many
Who broke their heart on me.
And so I say I don’t love you
Though it kills me.
It’s a lie that sets you free.
That sets you free.
this past weekend has opened my eyes in a couple of ways because I spent it with the ones I love. It made me think and somehow grounded me in a good way. Even if I am not sure what to make of it – yet.
Record expires on 12-Aug-2012
Record created on 13-Aug-1998
Nearly eleven years ago I was an intern tucked away in a corner of the building. I was working on the web development unit of the newspaper I work for today (funny it took me a full circle to bring me back to the very same building?) and had a credit card and too much time on my hands. I remember coming up with domain names that were still available (and there were tons!) until I finally registered mindwork.net. Today it’s my playground, diary and creative outlet. As mindwork’s 11th birthday is coming up, let me say thank you to all of you, for being here, coming back and passing by my digital home on the web.
There is fiction in the space between
The lines on your page of memories
Write it down but it doesn’t mean
You’re not just telling stories
As always with things that happened in the past you start glorifying them they suddenly seem to have been bigger than life itself. Just in this little case they really were. There hasn’t been a single day ever since I returned that I haven’t been thinking of St. Pete & the Times. It’s not about a place or a newspaper, it’s about how I felt there: needed, appreciated, worth being taken care of even if the clock was mercilessly ticking away towards the day of my departure. And that day I felt something that I had yet again started to take as granted was being ripped from me – the older you get the more it hurts. I knew what to expect back home, I knew that the cynics would eventually get back on top of me again and I knew that it would only be a matter of time, when I would start to crack under it. Yes, it wasn’t a question of “if” but only a matter of “when”. That moment has somehow arrived. I’m 29 and there has to be more out there than the daily fighting and biting. But worst of all I feel my dream is being taken away from me. Because all I ever wanted to do was telling stories.
here is the thing that makes life so interesting:
the theory of evolution claims only the strong shall survive.
maybe so, maybe so.
but the theory of competition says just because they are
the strong doesn’t mean they can’t get their asses kicked
that’s right see what every long shot come from behind
underdog will tell you is this: the other guy may in fact
be the favorite, the odds may be stacked against you.
fair enough.
but what the odds don’t know is this isn’t a math test
this is a completely different kind of test.
one where passion has a funny way of trumping logic.
so before you step up to the starting line
before the whistle blows and the clock starts ticking
just remember out here
the results don’t always add up
no matter what the stats may say
and the experts may think
and the commentators may have predicted
when the race is on all bets are off
don’t be surprised if somebody decides to
flip the script take a pass on yelling uncle
and then suddenly, as the old saying goes
we got ourselves a game…
I found this while waiting for my flight at Schiphol. It’s pure beauty, it’s life it’s, what I long for.
It’s this thing that drives me away, whenever I am home and makes me want to go home whenever I have been away too long. It’s the sights and sounds, the aura of a new place. It continues to amaze me me how much this world has to offer as long as we are willing to open our eyes and see.
…i would just disappear like that? no way. i am back home – as always contemplating change. the biggest change however has happened inside me. with every single step you take you understand more who you are and what you want to become. i have met so many different people over the past few weeks/months. what drives us, you, me? is it the love for life, the feeling back inside your head that there is more out there, that each and every one of us has the potential to change this place – always for the better? this is about life, the things we can, will & must change. being a journalist i can tell you about change, and yes, one day i will make it happen.
But more than 40,000 newspaper journalists are still cranking away, and I’m grateful to be among them, having vowed to ride out the tsunami until they pry the company-owned laptop from my cold, ink-stained hands.
I am heartbroken, but in a good way. It’s been what I had dreamed it up to be. It changed the world, my world. And while some experiences in my life had to be long gone for me to understand them, this time I am enjoying things while they are happening. I breathe the world around me because I understand that my time is running out. And while my future is – once again – unclear to me, I do not doubt that there will be beauty. I am waving this world goodbye as there is another one waiting for me back home in Austria. Willkommen neue Zeiten.
Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who’ll do it.