eternal sunshine on the spotless mind

In January “I” turned into “we”.
In February I added life to my days.
In March it was about someone like you.
In April I felt like I shoulda, coulda, woulda.
In May it was about life in a nutshell.
In June we were due south.
In July I understood that no man is an island.
In August my heart knew things before my mind did.
In September I left what I loved.
In October it was a new beginning.
In November I dreamed special dreams in St. Pete.
In December I found peace of mind.

When I walked out the very office I had worked in for over 8 years I cried. I cried because I felt I had failed. I cried because I felt I had betrayed myself. Because over those crazy, beautiful, sobering and stunning 8 years I firmly had started to believe that being a journalist, a storyteller, a person who would make this world a better place by telling about it was my calling. I felt I had given up. Even from a distance those tears did not go to waste. I left what I loved. Three months later the passion is still there, but I do see how beautifully things worked out. I love my family, I love my life and I wish you all the best for 2012.

I believe.

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I drove down the highway to St. Pete from Tampa Airport just as I had done when I moved to Florida in spring 2009. The times might have changed but the excitement was right there. I remember why I had come here and why I had to leave. Visiting the St. Pete Times was unreal. Looking back coming here, working there and then having to leave was larger than life. I often wished the story would have had a different ending. But then again life doesn’t always ask for a second opinion. However, great moments never let you go.

I believe.

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And if the lights draw you in
And the dark can take you down
And love can mend your heart
But only if you’re lucky now
- Ryan Adams, Lucky Now

I remember days when I couldn’t fall asleep without music. I’d put on “Anna Begins”, “Round Here” or some other Counting Crow song. I had them on repeat while I slowly drifted away. Whenever I get up early with Mikko I put the music on – Bruce, Tracy Chapman, U2, The Stones, Ryan Adams. He’d carefully listen to the first chords and then start to wave his hands. Sometimes I pick him up, hug him and then we’d slowly dance. As a parent you wish these moments would last forever but they don’t. The good news is – they just make room for the next moment. Love is not a single epic second. It’s all these small little moments when – though he does not speak yet – he knows that he will be forever loved.

I believe.

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Oh, look at me
At all I’ve done
I’ve lost so many things that I so dearly love
I lost my soul
I lost my pride.

I believe,

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Leaving journalism is hard, harder than I ever imagined. But it’s the right thing to do at the right time in my life. Still I will miss it from the bottom of my heart.

I believe.

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No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend’s or of thine own were. Any man’s death diminishes me because I am involved in mankind; and therefore never send to know for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee. John Donne

Sometimes it strikes me how some people come through and change the lives of millions. I pause and ask myelf: What have I done?

I believe.

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We’ll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don’t need
Anything
Or anyone

Thumbs up, if you listened to Snow Patrol (thanks Axel!) a long time before they were on Grey’s.

I believe.

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I just figured why I love the 50mm lens Georg gave me so much: There is no zoom. It forces you to get up, close & personal with your subject again. That’s journalism, that’s what it’s all about at the end of the day.

I believe.

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Thought that just ran through my mind: Where will I be, when he is finally able to read all this? I have no clue how many people still follow me on here but if all these years of writing have one final meaning then I found out what it is.

I believe.

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"The Last 3 Minutes" Directed by Po Chan from Shane Hurlbut, ASC on Vimeo.

I am not sure what’s more disturbing in today’s journalism: The fact that we are unable to see anymore that everbody has a story to tell or our lack of willingness to tell it.

I believe.

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You’d know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

[. . .]

I believe.

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I was going to write a long look back at those crazy, funny, great 30 years I just celebrated. But I don’t have time for that. I am busy adding life to my days instead of days to my life. Sorry.

I believe.

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I feel exhausted, mentally and physically. I rush but I don’t go anywhere. There has been going on so much around me. Fort the first time in my life I doubt that the good ones always prevail. I’ve seen ellbows fly, people kicking their way up. Make no mistake: I do believe there’s a god. I just doubt he’s always on watch.

I was eight years old and running with a dime in my hand
Into the bus stop to pick up a paper for my old man
I’d sit on his lap in that big old Buick and steer as we drove through town
He’d tousle my hair and say son take a good look around this is your hometown

What keeps me going is Astrid and Mikko.

I believe.

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There used to be a time when I said “I” and I really only referred to myself. Now when I say “I”, it’s Astrid and Mikko. And there’s not a thing that I wouldn’t consider giving up for them. Not a single thing. When life was at stake I vowed to give mine if it would mean for them to live.

I believe.

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In January it was about place and emotions.
In February I listened to you breathing.
In March a single call changed my life forever,
In April I understood that we’d meet again and again.
In May I felt that those who speak know nothing.
In June I said yes.
In July I travelled old roads.
In August it was about frozen memories.
In September we started to count down.
In October god gave us life.
In November my eyes were opened.
in December it finally started sinking in.

In 2010 my life felt like a time-lapse-movie. So many loose ends were tied, so many questions answered and so many prayers heard. I will never forget those seconds on October 6th when Mikko was born. I held him in my hands, this beautiful little human being staring into the world with those big dark eyes. It felt like time stood still. Hours later I was caught between extremes – life and death. The wounds will eventually heal, however it will take time, love and patience. Astrid and I are willing to invest an abundance of all three. Life is beautiful.

I believe.

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When I look into his eyes, life is beautiful. I’ll eventually show it all to him.

I believe.

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Suddenly you look at yourself and you have grown – older. Do we ever stay true to ourselves? Do we ever understand who we are and the responsibilities we take?

I believe.

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make me see.

I believe.

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It’s been the first night I properly slept through since Mikko was born. It will take some time for us to understand our new (and changed) roles. However the past few days – not always in a pleasent way – consisted of some some of the most intense, emotional, beautiful and horrible moments in my entire life. The wounds will heal, Mikko will grow and love will continue to carry.

I believe.

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loose ends were tied, love intensified, hope paid.

i believe.

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Years of believing finally made sense. God gave us life.

I believe.

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The weeks and months have flown by and the big day is closing in. In terms of adusting our home to welcome Mikko to this world, our world, we are prepared. But could you ever be prepared for the sleepless nights, the fears, the prayers? It’s something that Astrid and I have discussed over the past months. Until we understood that our feelings of insecurity, being lost and somewhat helpless are exactly how millions of other parents have felt before. Love carries.

I believe.

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There I was a soon-to-be-30-year-old surrounded by a bunch of kids. After a couple of exercises my legs hurt, my lung felt like it was bursting and I was on the verge of throwing up. However in hockey it’s the legs that feed the wolf and sometimes a feeling of coming home, a feeling of being at peace with your body is nutured by the pain that comes with it.

I believe.

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When Astrid Aand I chose the words we wanted to have on our wedding rings, we thought of that one single feeling we’d love to pass on to Mikko and all those we love: Love creates love – amor gignit amorem.

I believe.

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The hardest lesson in life is to let go. Believe me, I’ve been taught it a million times. There are some things I wish I could have held onto, there are some people I wish I could have kept in my life. There are places I wish I could keep closer to my heart. And it all boils to a simple yet unreplied little note – I miss you.

I believe.

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Weeks ticking away. After the scare, things have turned for the better. We took two weeks off, going to Sweden and Denmark. We took the very same route I did when I moved to Sweden in 2001 nearly nine years ago. I couldn’t stop smling all the way as it brought beautiful memories of a beautiful summer back to me. Then Copenhagen, where I spent my 15th birthday and on to Malmö, where mom took me for a hockey game nearly 15 years ago. I tought of my brother, Lukas, a lot this week. They way he pursues his dreams, I envy him. He’s right where here should, enjoying his life, seeing the world, going after a law degree. Yesterday Astrid asked me if I wanted to be 22 again. “Yes”, I quipped and she probably got it wrong. I love my life, I enjoy every bit of it and I can’t wait to hold our son in my hands. It’s just sometimes I wish I had been more consequent, harder on myself, pushing myself on getting college done in time instead of now trying to fit the odd course in my already crazy busy schedule. One wish granted, one change granted, this is what I would do: Get over with college. I would still get into journalism (at least for some years), as I still believe it’s one of those few places where you can still inflict change on people, companies, politics (yeah, right. . .). So yes, sometimes I wish I would be 22 again. Just to prove myself that I could do it. That some of the last years weren’t wasted. This may all be connected to my believe that life is one long process of learning and I sometimes feel I deprived myself of the chance to do it.

I believe.

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An allem was man sagt, an allem was man sagt, ist auch was dran!.
Egal wer kommt, egal wer geht, egal es kommt nicht darauf an.
Ich glaube nichts, ich glaub an dich, glaubst du an mich, ich glaub ich auch.
Ich frage mich, ich frage dich, doch frag ich nicht, fragst du dich auch.

Ich bin dabei, du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei, bist du dabei, bin ich dabei uns zu verlier’n.

Leichter als leicht, geht es vielleicht, leichter als das, was vielleicht war!
Leichter als leicht, das ist nicht weit von hier zu dem, was noch nicht war.
Suchst du mich, dann such ich dich, ist die Versuchung groß genug!
Ich lass es zu, komm lass es zu, komm lass es uns noch einmal tun!
Ich geb’ nicht auf, gehst du mit mir, gehst du mit mir, mit auf uns zu!
Fällt dir nichts ein, komm leg nicht auf, komm reg dich auf und komm zur Ruh.

Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, bin ich dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei du bist dabei, wir sind dabei uns zu verlier’n.
Ich bin dabei bist du dabei, sind wir dabei uns zu verlier’n.

Ohhh
Yeeeh
Ich bin dabei!!
Du bist dabei!!
Wir sind dabei!!

Ohhh
Ich bin dabei!!
Bist du dabei?!
Sind wir dabei?!

I believe.

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Within seconds things you consider important become meaningless. I prayed as hard as I could.

I believe.

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Time is never time at all
You can never ever leave without leaving a piece of youth
And our lives are forever changed
We will never be the same
The more you change the less you feel
Believe, believe in me, believe
That life can change, that you’re not stuck in vain
We’re not the same, we’re different tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

And you know you’re never sure
But your sure you could be right
If you held yourself up to the light
And the embers never fade in your city by the lake
The place where you were born
Believe, believe in me, believe
In the resolute urgency of now
And if you believe there’s not a chance tonight
Tonight, so bright
Tonight

We’ll crucify the insincere tonight
We’ll make things right, we’ll feel it all tonight
We’ll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

Thank you all for a great night. I feel incredibly happy deep inside.

I believe

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The feeling is hard to describe. Astrid’s belly is growing right in front of my eyes and we are going through what I consider some of the happiest weeks I have had in my entire life. We created life and though I understand the technical aspects of a pregnancy (thank you, Wikipedia) the mere fact that we’ll be parents is still a miracle to me. While Mikko (yes, it’s a boy and yes he will get a Finnish name) is still 20 weeks away form us, things have changed, I have changed. Since I was 18 I was independent, free, floating. Now it’s up to Astrid and me to take care of this little being we so dearly wished for. While I not neccessarily believe in the teachings of the present-day catholic church, I believe in god. Love creates love I read somewhere. “It’s a beautiful thing we can tell him once, how much we wanted him”, Astrid said a couple of days ago when we talked about how life would feel as a little family. It might take us a while for him to be able to understand it – but we will make sure he will feel it right from the start: love created love.

I believe.

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I pray that one that day that will finally allow me to just do what I think I do best: telling stories.

There is fiction in the space between
The lines on your page of memories
Write it down but it doesn’t mean
You’re not just telling stories
There is fiction in the space between
You and me

I believe.

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I haven’t met you yet, but I think of you every day with all the love I have to give.

I believe.

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On days like yesterday when I leave my desk with a cramping stomach and an ache to finally expose this pathetic posse I turn to Astrid, touch the little bump that’s beginning to show. Happiness will eventually drive the tears I never cried away.

I believe.

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A couple of years ago, I rode my car thorugh Austria, Germany, Denmark and finally Sweden to start the fall term at the University of Skövde. I don’t remember everything about the trip but one thing I do. It was a song in fact and while I probably didn’t understand its meaning back then, I do now. It was about welcoming someone with arms wide open, a song composed for a baby yet unborn. Now it’s my time, my turn, our turn. Astrid and I have created life. It’s a long shot from riding to Sweden, it’s a long shot from I who I used to be, to who I am – and an even longer shot to who I wish I could be. A baby is god’s opinion that the world should go on, they say and I hope that is true for that little being that moved right in fornt of my eyes on the ultrasound images. To be told that you will be father is one thing, to see your unborn child moving and hearing its heartbeat a whole different story. For the first time since I was told I felt that this one is for real. I don’t think that anyone could tell or teach you how to feel. My life is taking an unexpected but welcome turn, a turn that is life-changing (I have been told!). All I can think of right now, that this little being – Astrid’s and my child – will be welcomed to this world with all the love we have to give and arms wide open. If there is two things I want to pass on to it, it’d be the love and the opportunities I have given my those who love me.

I believe.

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this one single call changed my life forever.
could there be any better time than now?

I believe.

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Never in my life have my doubts been this big.
Never in my life my hopes have been this high.
This one won’t end in tears.

I believe.

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Still awake
I can hear you breathing
As the night falls
Love

I believe.

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You told me I could stay out.
I decided to come home.
By setting me free,
you made me yours.

I believe.

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The more you live, the more you understand that seeing places and holding on to them, their smells, sounds and emotions is the food that will nurture your mind when your body is unable to go there anymore. Finland is such a place for me and it continues to haunt me.

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise and we’d never compromise

I believe.

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In January I built my own kingdom of days.
In February I learned it sometimes is a long walk to freedom.
In March I was in a New York state of mind.
In April prayers were answered and dreams fulfilled.
In May I watched the sun set on St. Pete Beach.
In June I was reminded of what drives me.
In July I took a pass on yelling uncle.
In August it was about passionate comebacks.
In September it was all hide and see.
In October there were needs and silence.
In November I remembered the things I miss.
In December I was given 14 pages full of love.

Some things in 2009 seemed to be bigger than life. Working in the US, growing up, South Africa. Love and friendship. My life – by far – ain’t perfect. And I would never want it to be perfect. Why? Because imperfection to me is real beauty. Today I will see the dying seconds of the old year surrounded by some of the people I love most. And yes, as Lou Gehrig would have put it: Today I consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. Whoever you are and wherever you may be, god bless.

I believe.

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