i went out with my hockey team last night. i don’t know, but at some part i ended up standing in a corner of the bar by myself. and all of a sudden images started flowing through my head. austria, sweden, finland, belgium – now being back here. all of a sudden i felt lonely. i was surrounded by people i knew and who knew me – but nevertheless they all faded away. can you feel lonesome in a crowd, a bar, a busy street? while everybody got drunk, i had about 5 cokes (i had to drive home) – and at some point on that 40 km drive home i found out why. while there’s the hockey team experience we share three times a week, i am wondering if i belong to them. am i one of them? (what a trivial question you might ask..) but to me belonging was always a big issue, i guess after school and a time where i certainly did not belong to anything or anyone my greatest wish was probably to turn things around. to be seen as who i am, not who i seem to be. i am not sure where i am going, actually i wonder every day. today i belonged, but then i didn’t again – my so called life. welcome.
i believe.
Stefan,
I know exactly the feeling you are talking about. I felt it often when I first moved back here and still feel it from time to time. I’ve come to accept that it will probably never go away completely, but the more I get to know about who I am, the less it comes back. With all your experiences, sure you might feel where you belong but remember – you’re so much richer for all of it and it gives you so much more to offer the world. Embrace that feeling. It might not make the loneliness go away completely, but it will help keep it at bay.
Emily