My mind is so chaotic as my life has been lately, that I almost don’t know where to start. Semester and the the committments that come with it are now gone, but it’s straight back into grant writing frenzy this week.
On the upside last week was full of good news as I got 2 of the grants I applied for so many months ago. It’s hard to explain, but one of these was built so much around my vision for my whole future research that to get it funded made me feel as if I have a legitimate place in academia for the first time.
My honours students also finished last week, with their final thesis defense and they all came through in great form. It’s been a hard slog for us all, but to see the end result makes every late night, early morning and moment of self-doubt throughout the last year worth it. The greatest disappointment however has been those unwilling to share in their joy, too often for their own selfish reasons. It is behaviour that I doubt I will ever understand on any level, but as it now comes back to hurt my students as well as me, I won’t allow it to go on.
In the end however today this all seems so inconsequential after visiting my great aunt who is gravely ill. For so many years it was my Nan, Grandad and Vera, the three of them together taking on the world. Well, most of Tasmania at least (my Grandad loved a good road trip). With all these memories rushing through my head it was only on the way to Campbelltown that I realised that with Nan on the other side of the country now, once Vera is gone, so too is what felt like a permanent link with that place. 7 generations in total. We thought we might lose her today, but true to her form as a one of the toughest women I have ever met, they disconnected the oxygen, wound back the drugs, and somehow her body took over. She’s not out of the woods yet by any stretch, but she’s putting up one hell of a fight and is in a much calmer state now she knows that she is home.
So there you have it, the totally confused state of my life recently. Confused as it is, I’m learning more and more to deal with what I can and accept the things I can’t change. In amongst all this confusion I’m also buoyed by the anticipation of great things to come. Right when I least expected it I recently reconnected with someone who I thought was lost in my past forever. It’s a good feeling.
“Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
People living deeply have no fear of death.”
– Anais Nin