Wachet auf! ruft uns die Stimme. (Sleepers Awake) I woke up to Bach yet again. I’ve made a custom out of putting some random playlist on when I go to bed and classical music reminds me of weekends with grandad. He used to put it on as loud as possible, sit in his chair, his…
Read moreJust a candle in the window. There’s good and bad days. On those bad days all I can figure is, that I left my life, my wishes and dreams together with you somewhere beyond the Baltic sea buried under the memories of dreams. How can I conquer the world if my world ends right on…
Read moredive. it’s the very first secons you dive into water. peaceful silence, for the fraction of a moment you leave the world behind, all the sounds, people and things on the surface far above you melt into the sunrays coming through the water. everytime i am out at the lake i think of this feeling….
Read moreworth so much more than that. You think that nothing can be worse than losing someone close to you, like a family member, but this week I learnt that to lose a colleague is at least as hard. There is nowhere to escape to, no refuge at work, but rather constant reminders everywhere you turn….
Read moremy finest hour. raindrops in my mind. i just read a quote that goes to the regard of a tear being the single most moving affection a human being can show. i hardly ever cry and if then i cry all by myself. i envy those, that can show their emotions and affections when they…
Read moretrapped. Good will conquer Evil And the truth will set me free And I know some day I will find the key I know somewhere I will find the key i believe.
Read moreand you give yourself away. i’m getting philosophical. i just wrote an email and was looking for my perfect self-description and came up with…extroverted loneliness. i should be renamed ernest. see, i did it again. though i am trying to be perfectly serious i make a goof out of myself again. reality bites. i believe.
Read moreund wenn ein lied… remember the boomtown rats singing “i don’t like mondays”? i love mondays. they give a sense of hope to my world. another sunrise, another week, another chance. i’ll never know what the week will bring to me, what i will make happen and what will happen to me. as there are…
Read morezurück zu dir. 10 days before i go to finland. 10 days. my average friday: i started with the idea of doing an interview with some old metereologist lady who lives on a mountian all by herself reading the data from a weather station. wrong. instead of doing that i ended up at an old,…
Read moresomewhere only we know. it was the most beautiful, tearful and honest talk sanna and me had in months. you have to hold on tho those rare occasions, when things just click and suddenly you are able to talk about the things that were hidden deep down inside you for months. i was driven by…
Read morelook at the stars. do it. look above, count the stars, feel small and enjoy it. just came home, for the first time in weeks a clear sky and countless stars were waiting for their audience to take a seat and be enjoyed on a spotless summernight’s sky. life is beautiful. i believe.
Read morefull circle. Today my parents are in Linz. To discover for themselves the country, the city and the people who so captured my heart and perhaps understand how that year changed me. Today I also went on a bit of journey of my own. A journey that took me past all the places I ever…
Read moreso what’s beyond? sometimes i wonder how people around me behave? do they seriously take me for who i am? do they seriously take me for what i want to be, what i want to become? while i know, i can’t always behave the way i really want to be, i think i deserve a…
Read moresometimes timing is everything. I went there tonight, against all advice and my better judgement, but I just had to know once and for all. Good or bad all those memories came flooding back. Memories of my mistakes 8 years ago and of so much that has or came so close to transpiring since. Again…
Read morerun. booked my ticket to finland. enough of all the complaints, enough of all the tears and dark moments. i’m in charge of this and only i and my decisions can get me out of this. i’m going to finland to see weither it’s a long kiss goodbye or the renewal of the dreams we…
Read moregrazed knees. I’m trying not to stare, it’s too late The blankets over there, if you like I’m broken and I’m colder than hell I should’ve said I’d not come back here Your breakfast will get cold I really have to go It’s easier to lie and be safe Time and time again I’m half…
Read moreI want to be so much more than this. Making small decisions is the hardest thing to do. I was just wondering if should go to Katja’s and Ari’s wedding in Finland. I would probably scrap together my last 400 Euro and buy the ticket and go. Is anybody waiting for me? Am I supposed…
Read moremany years have passed since those summer days. the only thing i was always afraid of was loneliness. i hate to be alone. not in the sense of physical presence but just so i know someones is there for me. driving to work yesterday, i felt lonely in the best sense of the word. i…
Read morewhat remains. i ask questions. it’s my job. it’s what i’ve been trained for. journalists know it’s their right to ask. in turn, i am hardly surprised by any questions i am asked myself. one of the most unusual i had to answer lately was “what picture would you put up at your own funeral…
Read moreeventually all things merge into one. while some kids might have a natural attraction to secret places, our attic was never of much interest to me. it took me 23 years, 5 months and some days to re-discover what i missed. it’s like your memory’s playground. the circle has been closed. i found some of…
Read moreThe path less travelled. Right now I see my friends and colleagues here with a life so different for my own, one that I even envy. A life filled with kids, their own homes and most of all, someone to share it all with, the good and the bad. More than ever I want these…
Read moreto freely draw upon imagination. cats are unbelievable. i just had the honor of being allowed to watch my tomcat patrol his territory. as the sunlight tickles him, he moves with the shadows. sometimes i question who follows whom. bearing a cat’s mind, i believe it was the shadow. sanna used to call me a…
Read morelandungsbrücken raus. mia, i know you’ll be reading this. i guess i just want you to know how often i think of you, finland, jyväskylä and the good moments we shared. whenever i sit down to write, i think of the people i love, the people i care about. even if they are spread out…
Read morewhenever god shines his light. Whenever God shines his light on me Opens up my eyes so I can see When I look up in the darkest night I know everything’s going to be alright In deep confusion, in great despair When I reach out for him he is there When I am lonely as…
Read moremaybe the best is yet to come. it’s what i am thinking of constantly. what if this is the big test for us. the big lesson on love, trust and friendship. i made so many mistakes, i don’t know where to start fixing all of them. but then i remember quiet moments, filled with love….
Read moredie sehnsucht wird nicht still. cleaning up your music collection can really turn you upside down. so many songs i thought i had forgotten about. so many that remind me of my time away. songs that smelled like finland in fall or sweden in winter. songs full of home-sickness and moments to remember. songs of…
Read moreso far down, away from the sun that shines into the darkest place. sometimes i wonder when all the energy will start flowing back. sometimes i think i just spread it out too far, wanting to do everything, being everywhere. why can’t i just focus? on life, love, job and my university career? right…
Read morestauffenberg. on july 20th 1944 the german colonel and chief of staff for the replacement army of the german wehrmacht Claus Schenk Graf von Stauffenberg became a tragic hero and the most vivid sign of the german resistance in the 3rd reich. while the bomb he planted failed to kill the führer, the message it…
Read moreNo one ever said it would be this hard. I remember my 22nd birthday. I remember how lonely I felt being in Finland, far away from home, my friends, my life. During those days, Sanna was by my side. I remember me listening to coldplay’s “the scientist” time after time, unknown it would become my…
Read morewhen you bleed just to know you’re alive. it’s like the empty sky bruce springsteen wrote about. when you lose someone so essential to your life, everyathing feels like a big vacuum. you’re sucked in and there seems to be no way out. while i live, i don’t feel alive. right now i feel numb…
Read moreSay something profound, Em. For some reason still unknown to me, when things are going badly or everything is just a bit confused, my sisters expect me to miraculously save the day. Perhaps they are not the only ones, but last weekend it was my little sister who wanted wisdom on demand. As always I…
Read moreAnd when the stars fall, I will lie awake. As I am writing these lines I am looking back on more than three years with Sanna. Three years that showed my best and worst. Three years that had dip me through emotions I’d never know before. Feelings I never knew existed and worlds unknown to…
Read moreand love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night. what we love alters us in some way. sometimes even in a bad way. when i saw an ambulance driving away from an accident site, what i love kicked in and i realized it in a horrible way. i realized…
Read moreevery single moment’s tear. yesterday, i once again figured what it means to be good friends with someone. when theresa moved to klagenfurt, i instantly knew that she’d have no problems finding friends and that our friendship what slowly fade to the background to make room for her new impressions, feelings and friends. yesterday she…
Read moreshe will be loved. Tap on my window knock on my door I want to make you feel beautiful I know I tend to get so insecure It doesn’t matter anymore It’s not always rainbows and butterflies It’s compromise that moves us along My heart is full and my door’s always open You can come…
Read moreWhat God brings together, let no man put asunder. It sounds weird but I really believe in it. Went to Marie’s wedding yesterday and besides the priest making a big show out of it (and believe me he had his share of the fun) I really enjoyed it. I love churches and quiet franky all…
Read moremy austrian state of mind we went for a hike with a friend of mine. up to the mountains. i felt like a bird floating between the clouds. i just simply love the mountains, the people, the austrian state of mind. i had my nudels, the beer and the schnaps. heard the grüssti, the servas…
Read morebetween the moon and you the angels get a better view. first morning’s light is the most beautiful. small waterdrops on the turf tickling on my feet, i went for an early-morning walk in our yard. freshly-cut grass, bees small puddles left from yesterday’s rain. life’s simple things, the kind of art that nature creates,…
Read moreBreaking the Habit Memories consume Like opening the wound I’m picking me apart again You all assume I’m safe here in my room [Unless I try to start again] I don’t want to be the one The battles always choose ‘Cause inside I realize That I’m the one confused I don’t know what’s worth fighting…
Read morethe hurt sometimes i wish my way of living would be different. that the way i am would be different. i am too kind. too open and respectful with my loved ones. i care about people around me so much that i forget to demand things early enough to myself. it makes my position vulnerable….
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